


the moment i said it

by majesdane



Category: Degrassi RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-13
Updated: 2007-08-13
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>But Lauren said that she was going to miss her, and that has to mean something.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	the moment i said it

_"I've been taught that when you actually have to fall in love with somebody [a character which your character is in love with], you actually fall in love with them."_  
\-- Steve Belford

 _"I think [Alex and I] have sort of morphed into the same person over the years . . . Now, we're just the same person."_  
\-- Deanna Casaluce

 

 

"I can't believe you're really leaving," Lauren says, over the phone.

"It's not like I'm leaving forever," Deanna tells her in a slightly exasperated voice.

"But, you _are_ ," Lauren insists, her voice raising an octave. "You're leaving for L.A. in two weeks. _Permanently_."

Deanna sighs. "Lauren, you and Adamo are going to be moving to L.A. in the fall. So we can't see each other for a couple of months. It's fine; I'm sure you'll manage to survive it. After all, we hardly ever saw each other over _Degrassi_ breaks. I don't really see how this is any different."

"It's _very_ different," Lauren says, firmly. "I mean, at least over _those_ breaks we were still both in Toronto. I could have driven to see you anytime I wanted. But now I can't do that."

"You'll be amazed to discover, Lauren," Deanna says, sarcastically, "That mankind has actually created things that allow two people who live very far apart to communicate quite easily. Perhaps you may have heard of the invention of the cell phone or email. Instant messenger, too."

"Haha, very funny. You know what I mean."

Deanna lays back on the couch and closes her eyes. "Yes, I do," she says, softly, more seriously. She's really only casual on the outside; on the inside, she's panicking, because Lauren is right, this _is_ permanent, and oh my God, what has she gotten herself into? She's never going to survive on her own like this; she's never even lived away from home before.

"Dee," Lauren says, quietly, later, when they're both about to hang up. "I really am going to miss you, you know."

"Yeah," Deanna says. "I'm going to miss you too."

And she's sitting on the couch and she wonders why she couldn't have just said straight off that she was going to miss her, why they both waited until the last second to let the other know that they were going to miss them. And there's just too much to think about right now, with the moving and the packing and all the goodbyes she's going to have to say to people that she's not looking forward to at all. But mostly she's thinking about how sad Lauren sounded right before she hung up, how it took them both so long to finally say goodbye, and how Lauren said that she was going to _miss_ her.

There's a small part of her that's glad she's moving. There's just too much here that she can't deal with any longer, too many feelings that are jumbled and confusing and sometimes make it hard to breathe, especially when Lauren is involved. So she's a tiny bit glad that she's moving away from all this, because now she won't stay up at night thinking about strawberry lip gloss and scripted kisses and all the times when she felt that maybe she was becoming Alex almost entirely and losing herself all together. Now she won't have to worry about saying what she really means.

But Lauren's moving to L.A. too, come fall, and Deanna can't help but feel just a tiny bit happy about _that_ , even if Adamo is coming with her, and even though Lauren and Adamo will choose to live together and Deanna will be all by herself, and it'll be just like old times; Deanna feels forever like the outsider, like there's a section of Lauren's life that she'll just never be able to be a part of.

But Lauren said that she was going to miss her, and that has to mean something, because people don't just go around saying that they'll miss people who are moving away - don't say it in that _tone_ , anyway - if they don't really mean it.

 

\- - - - -

 

Three weeks later she's in L.A., in an apartment that is perhaps rivaled in size by the closets of Hollywood stars, and she's missing Lauren something fierce, but, wait no, she's missing _everyone_ , so of course she'd miss Lauren too. And she's already missing Alex too, even though she became her long ago, and she lies in bed and she thinks about all the times she sat in Lauren's room and lay on her bed and rehearsed scripts and scenes and kisses with her.

And she's missing Alex too, because that's a part of her that she can't show to anyone anymore, the part of her that is vulnerable. And that's one thing that she hates about stupid L.A., with its lights that are just a little too bright and its promises of happiness that are more than a little too good to be true.

And she can't call Lauren, so she calls Mike instead, because it's much easier to talk to him.

"How you holding up?" He asks.

"Okay. Not really. I don't know," she tells him. "Everything just feels so different, and I miss my friends and family, and I miss being _Alex_ , and that's a whole other complicated issue - and does this even make _sense_? - but, I feel like I've lost a little bit of myself along with the show."

He's silent for a time, and Deanna wonders if maybe he thinks she's absolutely crazy, because she certainly feels like it right about now.

But then Mike says, "No, it makes perfect sense; I feel the same way," and suddenly she feels better, because Mike has always understood her better than she's understood herself, and if her feelings make sense to him, then a least she's still all together.

"I miss Lauren," she says, very softly, a few minutes later.

"We all do," Mike says. "I never see her anymore, actually. But that's what happens when a show ends; people go their separate ways."

But Deanna wants to know why. She hates it when people act as if losing your friends and the people you've known for years is the most natural thing ever. Sure, it happens, but it certainly doesn't feel good, so why _does_ it? Why can't people just stay together forever? And then the philosophy major in her kicks in and tries to rationalize just how and why this sort of thing happens, but it doesn't do Deanna any good, because it's just _words_ , and they aren't enough to rationalize actions.

Mike and her don't talk for long much after that. Deanna feels awkward and stupid and almost wishes that she'd never called Mike in the first place, even though he was her first real friend on the set, and even if he always was one of the very few people who actually got Deanna, the _real_ Deanna, whoever that is. Deanna thought she knew, but now she's not so sure.

And she wants to call Lauren, but she can't, so she dials Kristina. She isn't there - of course, because she, unlike Deanna, has a life - but Deanna leaves a message anyway, because at least then Kristina can call her back and she'll have something to look forward to.

She should probably get out of her apartment and go out for a bit, but she knows that eventually she's just have to come back, and it's depressing, coming back to an empty apartment that's filled with all the stuff from her room back into Toronto, which, actually, wasn't as much as she'd always thought. But she goes to the window and looks out into the sunlight and thinks that maybe she'd feel a bit better if she went out for few hours.

Deanna leaves her phone at home; if Lauren calls, she knows she'll pick up.

 

\- - - - -

 

Two months later, on a windy October afternoon, there's a knock on her door.

"Coming," she calls out, as she shuts of the TV and clambers over the couch to get to the door, half-wondering who would be visiting and half-hoping that it's the very person that she's been avoiding for the past few months. It's the latter - _of course_ \- and she can't deny the little rush of joy she sees when Lauren flashes her a smile and embraces her tightly.

" _Dee_ ," she says, still grinning, and it's nice to hear Lauren saying her name like that. "Dee, I haven't talked to you in forever - and oh my gosh how _are_ you - been really busy, I can imagine - L.A.'s simply gorgeous right now," and then the line that makes Deanna's breath catch, " - Oh, I've missed you _so much_."

Lauren's perkiness is almost overwhelming, but Deanna's grinning from ear to ear herself, because if Lauren's here, visiting her apartment, then it means that she's finally _here_. And now they can do all sorts of stupid stuff together like they used to do in Toronto, like discuss scripts and salaries and talk about all the latest gossip, a subject that Lauren loved but Deanna was never too fond of.

"I've missed you too, Lauren," she says. "I'm sorry I haven't be around a lot lately. Just settling in and stuff, you know?"

And the blond nods and smiles and touches her arm lightly and Deanna remembers now the real reason why she hasn't been talking to Lauren. But Lauren is oblivious, as always, and she doesn't notice how Deanna stiffens against her touch.

They go out for dinner; Lauren's treat. Deanna hasn't gone out in a long time.

"So tell me everything that's been going on," Lauren says, once they've both ordered their meals. "I want to know how you've been getting on."

"Er, things are okay," Deanna says, studying her napkin. "I really haven't gotten a chance to do much work yet. Not like, you know, film stuff. I did a photo shoot for new head shots, updated my demo reel; you know, boring stuff like that. What about you?"

"Oh, I've been busy," Lauren says. "But mostly it's boring stuff too, really, like finding an apartment and packing and getting everything ready to finally move here to the States. It's just been a lot of work. Plus, you know, Adamo's sharing the apartment with me so we can split rent, so we had to get everything with that all sorted out. It's been a pain. Seriously, this has been the first time in a while when I've had some time to myself."

"And you chose to spend it with me?" Deanna plays with her fork; she always has trouble meeting Lauren's eyes, especially at times like this, when they're all alone - they're not really, but it feels like it - and all Lauren's focused on is her.

Lauren reaches across the table and puts her hand over Deanna's, which stills and drops the fork. "Why wouldn't I have? I know you're here all by yourself; I figured you'd probably want some company."

"Oh, yes. Well." Deanna says, trying to fight her way through a small veil of disappointment. "Of course."

Lauren gives Deanna her new cell phone number and promises to call her tonight, because Adamo will probably want to say hi as well. Deanna nods and smiles, though she's really hoping Lauren will just forget to call her.

 

\- - - - -

 

_"Do you ever think it was, you know, fate?"_

_"What are you going on about Lauren?"_

_"Paige. And Alex. And about us too, really. Do you think they - or, us, technically - were fated to be together?"_

_"Interesting question, first thing in the morning," Deanna says, and picks up her script off of Lauren's dressing room mattress. "I'm not sure I know what you mean. You_ are _talking about Paige and Alex, right?"_

 _"Of_ course _," Lauren says, admiring her freshly painted nails. "I'm obviously not talking about us - "_

_" - Well, sometimes it can get confusing - " Deanna mutters._

_" - But I mean,_ really _. Like, have you ever gone back and re-watched some of the old episodes? There's this sort of . . ._ tension _, between us. And I never realized it before, and I know I certainly didn't mean for it to be like that, but it's_ there _\- and do you think that Linda and Stefan saw it, and that's why we ended up a couple?"_

_Deanna hates how casually Lauren says the last sentence, even though she knows what Lauren means._

_"Funny story, actually," she says, after a time. "About Alex being a lesbian, I mean. My mom had this hunch way back before Linda talked to me about the whole storyline. She was sure they were going to make Alex a lesbian."_

_"Well, honestly Dee, we all sort of suspected that too," Lauren says, nonchalantly. "I mean, if you go back and re-watch some of the older episodes, Alex really has this sorta lesbian vibe - "_

_" - What is_ that _supposed to mean?" Deanna says, under her breath._

_"- And it's kind of cool. I'm sure you didn't mean for it to be that way - I mean, I'm sure it wasn't your intention - but it actually helped, you know, because now having Alex be a lesbian is really quite believable."_

_"I suppose," Deanna toys with the edge of a page of her script._

_Lauren says, sounding puzzled, "Are you okay, Dee?"_

_"Fine. Really," she says, with a bit more emphasis, when she sees the worried look on Lauren's face._

_"It doesn't mean anything, you know," Lauren told her. "Alex turning out like that. It doesn't have anything to do with you."_

_"Right. Of course."_

_But Lauren doesn't get it, because Deanna's never been able to explain how she feels to her. She's so much like Alex - she's turning into her slowly, almost, and this sort of thing scares her. She hadn't meant to play Alex like a lesbian, but the fact remained that she_ had _and God, what did that say about her?_

 _Lauren said it didn't matter, but it_ does _to her._

_She feels like she's going to throw up._

_  
_

\- - - - -

 

She's on the phone with Kristina, because it's far easier to talk to her than Lauren.

"Are you ever going to come down to visit me?" Deanna's asking, phone cradled between her shoulder and ear as she flips idly through TV channels, remote in hand.

"Maybe," Kristina says. "It depends on if I get the chance. You know, with university and everything. Maybe over winter break I'll come down. I have a few weeks off then, I think. I'd hate to think about you spending the Christmas holiday all by yourself."

"Oh, right," Deanna says, almost forgetting about that. "Well, it won't be so bad. I think Lauren and Adamo will still be here then, so."

"Oh, yes, I forgot they were living in L.A. for a bit. Are they staying with you?"

"No, they're living in their own apartment."

"That's cool. So, how is Lauren? I haven't talked to her in forever."

Deanna pauses. "I don't know. Okay, I think. I, um, haven't really talked to her that much."

"Oh," Kristina sounds a bit surprised. "That's too bad; I always thought you and her were so close."

 _We are, and that's exactly the problem_ , Deanna thinks, though she doesn't say anything but, "Yeah, I know. I guess we've just been too busy."

Well, Lauren has anyway, or so Adamo tells her. So it's not a complete lie.

She lies in bed that night and wonders if she's ever going to let this thing go. Obviously it hasn't helped, avoiding Lauren, because things are just as confusing as they always were, and it only makes things worse, she thinks, being away from her. And a part of her thinks she's being a complete idiot, that she should just call Lauren and ask her if she wants to hang out sometime, but another part of her keeps insisting that if she just keeps her distance from the girl, then maybe she'll stop thinking about her every goddamn second.

The sensible part of her wins out, of course, and so she finds herself reaching for her cell phone and dialing Lauren's number.

Lauren answers with a small giggle and a hello, and Deanna can hear a man's voice in the background, and her heart drops in her stomach.

"Hi, Lauren. It's Deanna," she says, forcing herself to get the words out.

"Dee! Hi! I haven't talked to you in forever. What's up?" She's a bit too perky, Deanna thinks, and she doesn't like it at all.

"Um, nothing really important. Hey, listen, do you want to hang out sometime? I mean, I know you're busy, but maybe if you wanted to . . ." She trails off.

Lauren doesn't hesitate at all. "Yes! We very much need to see each other sometime - oh, Dee, I've _missed_ you - um, does next weekend work for you?"

"Yes."

And so they make plans for next weekend. Dinner and a movie. It sounds like a date, almost, but it isn't.

Deanna can't sleep, so she sits on the couch and stares blankly at the TV, wondering who it was that Lauren had over. It wasn't Adamo, she knows that; it must be someone new. Adamo hasn't told her about any new boyfriend of Lauren's - but, maybe he didn't know - and dammit, why does it even _matter_ , Lauren's twenty years old, she can do whatever the hell she wants.

But there's that nagging thought again, the one that tells her that there's a reason she cares that Lauren's with a guy, and it has nothing to do with mere curiosity and everything to do with that the fact that she _is_ Alex, through and through.

 

\- - - - -

 

_"I broke up with my boyfriend," Lauren mentions, on a Thursday afternoon, right after they've finished shooting for the day._

_"Oh," Deanna says, though she's pretending not to care, instead pulling off her jacket and scarf and hanging them up on the clothes rack that has to get sent back to wardrobe later. "When did that happen?"_

_"Oh, a week or so ago," Lauren says, in an off-hand sort of way. "I just couldn't remember whether or not I'd mentioned it to you, is all."_

_"No, I didn't know," Deanna says, and she licks her lips, tasting strawberries._

_  
_

\- - - - -

 

She awakes with a start, heart racing and the blood pounding in her ears, dripping with sweat. She can feel a headache coming on, and she runs a shaky hand through her hair, trying to catch her breath.

One thing that she should _not_ be doing is the very thing that she _is_ doing, and that's having dreams about her and Lauren. Stupid memories of conversations keep popping up in her dreams and she has no idea why.

Okay, that's a lie, but she doesn't want to think about what might be the real reason this keeps happening. Because that's unfamiliar territory right there, and Deanna's only a third year philosophy major, as she's always said, so _this_ , whatever it is, is way out of her league.

Why can't she just admit it to herself?

Tears burn in her eyes and she wipes them away hastily, feeling embarrassed, even though there's no one around to see her cry. It's just her and her conscious, after all. That's all she has now, because she's too stupid to call Lauren and ask her to come over and was too stupid and moved out here by herself and thought that everything would just be okay again.

Because _nothing_ has changed, except now she's gotten exactly what she wants, and that is to see Lauren as little as possible. Only, what she thought she wanted isn't really what she'd wanted at all, but she can't take things back now, and Lauren is already far too gone for her to try and hold on to.

"I'm so stupid, Kris," she says, calling her up at an ungodly hour in the morning (although, if Kristina minds, she doesn't say anything). "God, I really am. Why did I ever think I could do this?"

"It can't be _that_ bad," Kristina says, in a sleepy voice.

Deanna bites her lip. "You don't understand," she says, almost resentfully. "You don't know what it's like for me. And I'm not talking about living alone, Kris, because really, I can handle that. There's so much else that I just. Can't. Deal with."

Kristina sighs. "Is this about Lauren?"

" _No_ ," Deanna says, forcefully. "It's not about Lauren."

But it's a lie, and they both know it.

 

\- - - - -

 

"Have you been avoiding me?" Lauren asks, unexpectedly, over their salads at dinner.

"No," Deanna says.

"Deanna." Her tone is accusing.

"Okay, I have, I'm sorry!" Deanna bursts out, almost angrily. "But I can't tell you why, so don't even bother asking. And I haven't wanted to avoid you, but I _have_ and I hate that I did it, but - can we just drop it?"

Lauren stares at her. "Okay," she says, slowly, unsure. "I was just asking Dee. Don't get all upset. I mean, it's cool, whatever, I'm sure you have your reasons."

"I do," Deanna says again, forcefully.

"Okay, got it," Lauren says.

They both sit there in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Deanna feels absolutely horrible right now. Lauren probably thinks Deanna either hates her or that she's absolutely out of her mind. But she can't say why she hasn't been calling, not to _Lauren_.

"I really am sorry," she says a few minutes later, humbly. "And I'm sorry for getting all upset just now."

"'Sokay, you're probably just stressed, Dee. It happens to all of us, and besides, this is _L.A._ , it's like the capital city of stress."

"Still - "

" - Dee," Lauren reached across the table and put her hand on Deanna's. "It's okay. I understand. You're my friend, right? I'm not going to hate you because of one outburst."

They manage to endure the rest of the meal without incident. Lauren doesn't mention the guy who she was with last weekend, and Deanna doesn't have the courage to bring him up. Instead they talk about Stacey and Adamo and Kristina and Mike and what everyone else is doing now that the _Degrassi_ 's over. Lauren asks her if she's going home for Christmas and Deanna tells her probably not, seeing as she's sorta broke right now, and she doesn't want to ask her parents for money for a flight back. Lauren offers to buy her a ticket, but Deanna declines, because it wouldn't seem right, to have to take things from Lauren.

The movie is nothing special. It's a romantic comedy - Lauren's choice - and Deanna barely even watches it. She's too busy trying to from brushing her hands against Lauren's when they both reach for popcorn.

"So, this was fun," Deanna says, as they're walking down the street back to Lauren's apartment, hands shoved in her jacket pockets.

"Yeah," Lauren says, and links her arms with the brunette, surprising her. "I know I say this all the time, Deanna, but I really have missed you. Remember when you used to hang out with me on the weekends and read through the script together? And how we always made everyone look bad, because we practiced our lines so much beforehand."

"And the kisses, too," Deanna murmurs softly.

"What?" Lauren asks, turning to her, apparently having not heard.

"Nothing," Deanna says quickly. "I was just agreeing with you. I miss those days, a lot. I wish we could just go back, you know? Things were so nice back then. And simple. Well, not really _simple_ , admittedly, but they were nice."

Lauren leans in closer, resting her head against Deanna's shoulder as they walk.

"I feel like I've lost a part of me, sometimes," she says quietly. "I remember once I read about this actor who said that when he created a character, it was like gaining a best friend. And that's what it was like. And now that I'm not playing Paige any more - "

" - You feel like you're not the same person?" Deanna cuts in, eagerly, hoping that maybe someone else will finally understand how she feels. "Like there's a part of you that you'll never get back, only, now by this point you've become so much like your character that it feels like you've lost a bit of your soul?"

Lauren gives her a funny look. "Yeah, that's sorta what I'm talking about. You were always so close to Alex, Dee - well, as close as anyone can get to a fictional character - it must be hard for you."

"It is," Deanna agrees, sadly, looking away. "And I thought I'd be happy, you know? No more confusion. No more wondering who was doing what or if I said something with more emotion than I should have because I actually _meant_ it."

"Dee," Lauren says, softly.

"But I'm not happy, don't you see?" Deanna pulled away, untangling herself from Lauren. "Things _haven't_ gotten better. They've just gotten worse and worse and now I can't play things off with the excuse of me just trying to be in character, or, or saying that it's just because Alex is such a big part of my life! I _am_ Alex, and I don't want to be, and I keep trying to distance myself from her, but it doesn't work! Because I was Alex before I even knew it, and now that I _do_ know, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror because of it."

"Dee," Lauren says again, stepping forward. "I - "

But she's cut off by Deanna pressing her lips against her own, the kiss light and soft and warm, but chaste all the same. Innocent. And she can feel wetness on her cheeks, and it's because Deanna's crying, and oh, God, she can't believe that she just. Kissed. Lauren.

 

\- - - - -

 

 _"I'm not a . . . a_ lesbian _," Paige says, and they both grimace at the word, but Alex only does internally._

_"And you think I am?" She retorts back, forcefully, as if daring Paige to say that she is._

_"Well, you're the one that kissed me," Paige states, matter-of-factly, and Deanna thinks that maybe she has a point. After all, Alex must be, at the very least, bisexual, right? You don't just fall for a member of the same sex without good reason._

_There's really no point in trying to deny this fact, so, instead, Alex says, "You kissed me back."_

_And Deanna knows that Alex has got Paige there, for the same exact reasons as to why Paige was right when she called Alex a lesbian. It's comforting, almost, to see that the same reasoning can be thrown right back at the blond, and Alex feels a little bit better, as Paige smiles and flushes and doesn't try to deny the kiss._

_And then Lauren is smiling and Deanna knows they're going to kiss, and she smiles as they do, and Lauren's lips feel so soft against her own, and she wishes the kisses could be longer, like before. But Lauren pulls away much too fast, and while Alex is content, because this means that Paige is finally hers, Deanna feels a bit disappointed, despite herself._

_Her lips are still tingling, even after the scene's over._

_"Mm, that was nice," Lauren comments to her, as they're getting ready for the next scene. "I like kissing you, Deanna."_

_"Oh," Deanna flushes. "Thanks."_

_Lauren flashes her one of those smiles, the kind that make Deanna's breath catch in her throat - nerves, must be all, it has to be nerves - and she returns the smile, albeit somewhat weakly._

_"I do not like girls - I_ cannot _like girls," Paige is saying later, and Alex's heart is breaking, because it's just not right. Paige shouldn't be saying these things._

_She bites her lip and tries not to cry, because Alex fucking Nunez does not cry, especially over some stupid head cheerleader like Paige Michalchuck. "Then why did you kiss me?" She asks, hurt and angry and confused all at once._

_And Alex is hurt and so is Deanna, and she knows she shouldn't be, because it was just Paige kissing Alex, that's all it ever was. It was never Lauren kissing Deanna, because Lauren isn't like that - and neither is Deanna, she thinks - and it's just all wrong, to be upset about this._

_She storms away before she breaks down entirely, and she knows that Paige is watching her go, just as confused and upset as Alex is, and it makes her feel just a tiny bit better, knowing that everything will eventually work out okay._

_At least things work out okay for Paige and Alex, even if things don't always turn out that way in real life._

_  
_

\- - - - -

 

"So." Lauren says, looking away pointedly.

"So." Deanna repeats.

"I, um. Didn't tell anyone about, you know, what happened. Last night, I mean."

"Right. Um, well. Whatever. You can, you know, if you want. If Adamo and Stacey find out, I'm sure they won't think any less of us. Well, they won't think any less of you, at least."

"I'm not going to tell anyone," Lauren says, and she blushes a bit as does so.

"Oh, right." Deanna looks down unhappily. "It probably embarrasses you."

"No, I - "

" - It's totally okay," Deanna cuts in, before Lauren can say anything. "I mean, I understand. I, um, didn't mean for things to be like this. It just . . . Happened. And I feel so awful about it right now, and I don't know what to do, and quite honestly, if you never want to see me again, I'll understand, and - "

" _Deanna_." Lauren says, quietly. "I'm not going to stop being your friend just because of this. Okay, yeah, I'm really, really surprised, because, well . . . I don't know. I want to say that it's completely out of the blue, but I _get_ stuff now, you know? Like all those times you were talking about you and Alex."

"Yeah." Deanna still won't look at her; she bites her lip and studies the tablecloth.

"So . . What does this mean? About us?"

"I don't know," Deanna tells her, feeling sick. "I don't even know what it says about me. I mean, this is just so _wrong_ , and I'm not _supposed_ to be like this - I have a _boyfriend_ , this isn't supposed to be who _I_ am."

"I thought you never had a problem with people being, as you put it, 'like this,'" Lauren puts in gently.

"Well, that was before!" Deanna says, tearfully. "And I mean, you're supposed to _know_ , right? It's not supposed to happen like _this_ , where you kiss your best friend because you can't tell the difference between you and her and their characters any more!"

Lauren looks at her, and Deanna hates the pity that she sees in the younger girl's eyes, and she hates that she feels just. Like. Alex.

This all feels so stupid and scripted and she thinks she might throw up, because she won't be able to stand it if Lauren gives her a whole long speech about how it's 'really okay' and all of that crap, because it's _not_ okay. It was _never_ okay, not since that day when her mom said that she thought Alex might turn out to be a lesbian, not since Linda told her about her new storyline, not since that night when Deanna stayed over Lauren's house to practice their first on screen kiss, and Lauren's lips were a bit too soft and tasted far too much like strawberries.

And all she can think of is how it was always _Lauren_ who suggested that she come over so that they could practice kisses, and how Lauren always seemed to be so much more intense with her kisses when it was just them, alone, in her room.

And she wants to be like Alex and say, _Why did you kiss me?_ , but she can't. She wants to say, _I don't need your pity_ , and storm out angrily and hope that maybe Lauren will finally come to her senses and chase her down.

But she's not strong, not like Alex. She's weak.

It's the only part of her that's really _her_.


End file.
